ok. So I had a little break down the other day. I really needed to get a lot of the shock out of my system. Once I got over the shock of the whole situation I realized I had most of the answers I needed they wher in me and in the court documents from 10 years ago. I went back and did a lot of thinking, was there ever a time that I have ever gotten "CREEPY GUY" feeling from Lance? Was there ever a time when I did not trust him with my children? Was there ever any doubt in my mind that something happened to her at the same time as it did with my other daughter?
So here it is, No I never had any doubt that something happened to her. I have always questioned if there was something that did, and she was just not ready to tell me.
The words that keep ringing in my head is From Amy (Tylers Step Mother) "She didn't want to say anything she did not want you would lose your husband and Bailey would lose her Dad", "There had to be a reason that a girls does not want to live with her Mother." "You are in a safe place now that is why we thought it was time to tell you",
Words from my 19 year old son: "Mom, Amy (this is Tylers Step mom) told us that Trevor commited Suicide", "She (Amy) also said that she did not think it was Trevor at all, and she thought it was Lance all along".
Well if you thought this why didnt you say something 10 YEARS AGO!!!!
And now to go back and answer the question on Lance did I ever have "CREEPY GUY" Feeling? Was there ever a time that I did not trust him with my children? NO, NO And NO!
You see when we where in our court case for our youngest daughter with her abuser. All of the children where interviewed to make sure that there was nothing else going on, and I dont mean they where interviewed by us, I mean by the police, the Childrens Justice Center, a child therapist, the DA's attorney, and the DA's therapist. And I am not just talking once, I am talking several times over the 2 year period that the trial took place.
Lance was also put under the microscope, he actually had to do more interviews and had to be investigated by all the autorities in greater detail than even Baileys abuser. They had to make sure it was not him, as he was still in the home with the children. ALL 3 of THEM! All of them under the age of 10. They where worried for the safety of the children.
So some more details: Tyler stated that the abuse stopped at age 8, that was the time that Trevor was out of our lives. He had not been in our lives for about a year and a 1/2. She had a normal relationship with Lance, she was still her Dad, she treated him the same as she treated any person in her life, including her own father. She played, joked, laughed and genuinely loved him. This bond was solid until after earlier this year. After that time she started to withdrawl from us, she stopped reaching out to me and him. She started getting more and more involved with school activities to stay busy and away from her home (she lives with her dad and step mom).
So what is really going on here? Is there something in that house that makes her feel she needs to say things to make someone back off?
The reason I ask this is I have learned from my mother in law that Tylers Step mother will badger Tyler until she gets an answer. So is it really the correct answer or is it just what she needs to hear to back off?
Why does a teen age girl not want to live with her mother? Well guess what, I didnt want to live with my mother either! When I was 13 I thought I knew everything, so what happened to me, I got to live with my Aunt for a year. Then we tried home again just to find out it was not successful, So what was next? My Mother put me into an apartment, yes I lived out side of my home at the age of 15 I lived in an apartment, I was told if I missed school that I would not have my rent paid, I would not get food and I would have to support myself. Well it worked, I went to school every day, I made sure I got good grades. I checked in with my mother to let her know I was safe. And today we have a wonderful relationship. Sometimes you just have to let your kids grow up when they are ready. Be there for them when they fall and support them when they need you.
There does not need to be some underlying issue that you have to force a child to say, or convince them that there was something else going on. That is for you to deal with as an adult. Not to put your fears, thoughts or negative emotions on to a impressionable child that just wants to be loved and accepted.
So starting next week I am back to the therapists office to work through emotions that I thought I would never have to deal with under this context again in my life. Working though all the guilt, all the shame all the pain once again. Sorry that it happened to her and she did not have the confidence in me to tell me sooner, Sorry that she has had to carry a burden for so long.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Why
I am not sure of everyone that follows me, but if you are sensitive to things you may not want to read on this post is going to be a pitty party for me.
Yesterday I was told by my Daughter (the middle child) that she was molested by my husband the man that I have been with for her whole life (17 years), litterally, we went on our first date when she was a week old.
Today I had to tell him what I was told this and that I was not sure what the next steps would be, this is a total unforgivable thing for me. As a teen I was sexually assaulted by a neighbor, I told my mother and it was brushed off, oh we went to thier house and the adults talked. I was assulted two other times and never told. This is a pain I have held in my body, mind and heart for many years. Something that you think goes away but it does not. You just suppress it and pray for a day that it does not hurt as bad as it did the day before. So hearing this from her has had me in tears for almost 24 hours, I have fresh wounds and old wonds that I need to allow time to close.
He packed a few bags and left with tears in his eyes, begging that I belive him. I want to I also want to believe her. I pray that eventually she comes to me and says, mom it wasnt Lance, it was actually Trevor. I was just projecting it on Lance. But still will I be able to look this man in the eyes with the same passion as I did earlier this week. Will there always be the question, what if it is true, what if it was all a reality and I remained blind to this.
Our youngest daughter was sexually assaulted by his friend about the same time frame as she is stating that he was molesting her. So could there be some transferance?
Well, I wont be that mother that puts her child second. She is my daughter, she is much more important to me than anything or any other person in the world (except her siblings of course). She is my daughter and he is just a man.
He left me a note and this is what it said " I never, ever touched out kids innapproprietly. I would not, not after all what we have been through. I love you and our kids more than anything in this world. I will do what ever you want."
Is it wrong that I want him to stay safe, take care of himself get the help he needs, if this is true or not he is going to need to get some help.
She is in a safe place she is currently and has been living with her dad and step mom. They have been a true god send for me. I know that she will be safe with them.
Yesterday I was told by my Daughter (the middle child) that she was molested by my husband the man that I have been with for her whole life (17 years), litterally, we went on our first date when she was a week old.
Today I had to tell him what I was told this and that I was not sure what the next steps would be, this is a total unforgivable thing for me. As a teen I was sexually assaulted by a neighbor, I told my mother and it was brushed off, oh we went to thier house and the adults talked. I was assulted two other times and never told. This is a pain I have held in my body, mind and heart for many years. Something that you think goes away but it does not. You just suppress it and pray for a day that it does not hurt as bad as it did the day before. So hearing this from her has had me in tears for almost 24 hours, I have fresh wounds and old wonds that I need to allow time to close.
He packed a few bags and left with tears in his eyes, begging that I belive him. I want to I also want to believe her. I pray that eventually she comes to me and says, mom it wasnt Lance, it was actually Trevor. I was just projecting it on Lance. But still will I be able to look this man in the eyes with the same passion as I did earlier this week. Will there always be the question, what if it is true, what if it was all a reality and I remained blind to this.
Our youngest daughter was sexually assaulted by his friend about the same time frame as she is stating that he was molesting her. So could there be some transferance?
Well, I wont be that mother that puts her child second. She is my daughter, she is much more important to me than anything or any other person in the world (except her siblings of course). She is my daughter and he is just a man.
He left me a note and this is what it said " I never, ever touched out kids innapproprietly. I would not, not after all what we have been through. I love you and our kids more than anything in this world. I will do what ever you want."
Is it wrong that I want him to stay safe, take care of himself get the help he needs, if this is true or not he is going to need to get some help.
She is in a safe place she is currently and has been living with her dad and step mom. They have been a true god send for me. I know that she will be safe with them.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
What will be will be...
So this week has been quite an adventure. Between the everyday things, not really working to many hours, taking care of dogs and family. You see my Mother in Law was in a car accident and well basically totaled her car on the 10th I think. Then on Saturday the 13th we where rear ended while going to a baby shower she was in the car and it re-aggravated the neck pain that she was had from her accident. AUGH! could anything else happen yes... our niece was in a head on car accident on Wednesday night the 16th of February, She is still in the ICU on breathing and feeding tubes, Had surgery on her legs (they where broken) and her face she has been put into a comma to allow swelling and healing to start for her. She has 4 beautiful sisters that the plastic surgeon was able to use as examples of how she should look, and our family is praying for a quick and successful recovery for her.
Does a person need more challenges? Of course I do.
I got a strange call, it was strange because it was from my mother. You see she was in her room, and I was in the living room (we live together). She says, I am feeling a little dizzy. OK, so I go up to check on her, and she is as white as a ghost, and was having dry heaves.
Well she had been sick the last couple of weeks and I thought maybe it was just that she got out of bed to quickly. Well the feeling did not pass for her after about 20 minutes, so I did some quick research and found that it could be a number of things, so off to the Insta Care it was for her. Quick side note: Thursday afternoons not the best time to go to the Insta Care. Can you believe it was an hour wait! OK back to the story: So we finally get into the triage room and her blood pressure was SKY HIGH... it was 197/?? (sorry forgot the bottom number) and after she got into the room to wait for the doctor, well it was not any better, the Dr drew some blood a CBC and Chem panel, and well her white blood count was over 32,000, so to put this into perspective normal is 10,000. So the doctor says to me, she needs to get to the emergency room right now, do you want me to call and ambulance, I said I would take her the hospital was 10 minutes up the road, and it would have taken that long for the ambulance to show up. We get to the emergency room and her blood pressure is now a bit higher, now at 207/?? I am starting to freak just a little! The doctor thinks that she might be having a stroke...no help at all on her blood pressure or mine!
So we are admitted to the ER room 3 (my lucky number). So they draw a bunch of blood again a CBC/Chem panel, then some more to do cultures on her blood. They are checking for everything! Making sure it is not a blood infection, rechecking the tests to see if the count is as high as it was an hour ago, and so on. The next and subsequent blood pressure readings are much lower but still really high, lowest I saw and took record of was 168/108. I don't like it one bit! She needs to get down below 140/80 to be"normal" I would like to see her in the 130 range on her upper number.
She is now my new project, this year she is going to lose weight, get her blood pressure under control and get out of the "at risk for diabetes" category. Hope she is ready for all the walking and early mornings or late nights she and I will be having starting as soon as we know if this is leukemia or not, and even still she is getting healthy.
But there is light at the end of my tunnel! Tuesday the 15th I went to the Gateway Mall Bath and Body Works for a job interview for a CSL (Team Lead type of a position). And, well I GOT the JOB! I start Monday the 21st. I am so excited! I will be working a LOT the next 2 weeks so I can have training, I have Sunday/Tuesday off this week. Working at total of 24 hours this week and I hope next week too! This is my next step to moving on to manage my own store!
I Love my Husband for being there for me and knowing just what I need. Giving me the time to rest and to hold me when I needed it. All with out asking just knowing what I need.
Does a person need more challenges? Of course I do.
I got a strange call, it was strange because it was from my mother. You see she was in her room, and I was in the living room (we live together). She says, I am feeling a little dizzy. OK, so I go up to check on her, and she is as white as a ghost, and was having dry heaves.
Well she had been sick the last couple of weeks and I thought maybe it was just that she got out of bed to quickly. Well the feeling did not pass for her after about 20 minutes, so I did some quick research and found that it could be a number of things, so off to the Insta Care it was for her. Quick side note: Thursday afternoons not the best time to go to the Insta Care. Can you believe it was an hour wait! OK back to the story: So we finally get into the triage room and her blood pressure was SKY HIGH... it was 197/?? (sorry forgot the bottom number) and after she got into the room to wait for the doctor, well it was not any better, the Dr drew some blood a CBC and Chem panel, and well her white blood count was over 32,000, so to put this into perspective normal is 10,000. So the doctor says to me, she needs to get to the emergency room right now, do you want me to call and ambulance, I said I would take her the hospital was 10 minutes up the road, and it would have taken that long for the ambulance to show up. We get to the emergency room and her blood pressure is now a bit higher, now at 207/?? I am starting to freak just a little! The doctor thinks that she might be having a stroke...no help at all on her blood pressure or mine!
So we are admitted to the ER room 3 (my lucky number). So they draw a bunch of blood again a CBC/Chem panel, then some more to do cultures on her blood. They are checking for everything! Making sure it is not a blood infection, rechecking the tests to see if the count is as high as it was an hour ago, and so on. The next and subsequent blood pressure readings are much lower but still really high, lowest I saw and took record of was 168/108. I don't like it one bit! She needs to get down below 140/80 to be"normal" I would like to see her in the 130 range on her upper number.
She is now my new project, this year she is going to lose weight, get her blood pressure under control and get out of the "at risk for diabetes" category. Hope she is ready for all the walking and early mornings or late nights she and I will be having starting as soon as we know if this is leukemia or not, and even still she is getting healthy.
But there is light at the end of my tunnel! Tuesday the 15th I went to the Gateway Mall Bath and Body Works for a job interview for a CSL (Team Lead type of a position). And, well I GOT the JOB! I start Monday the 21st. I am so excited! I will be working a LOT the next 2 weeks so I can have training, I have Sunday/Tuesday off this week. Working at total of 24 hours this week and I hope next week too! This is my next step to moving on to manage my own store!
I Love my Husband for being there for me and knowing just what I need. Giving me the time to rest and to hold me when I needed it. All with out asking just knowing what I need.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Where does the time go? And what have you been up to?
It is almost Valentines day and I am super excited. Bought Bailey a necklace today to give to her, it is so cute, it looks like a pea pod with a pearl pea in it. I loved it so much that she is giving me the same one for Valentines day!
My husband and I started a new blog it is called MUNCHING WITH THE MADSENS but with out all the spaces. We are using foods with lower calorie counts and different ways of prepairing food. It has been a lot of fun and we have been trying to put at least 4 recipes on it per week. I thing the most fun is the conversation that we have while making the foods and then loading them onto the blog, sharing hints and tricks we have learned along the way in our 0ver 15 years of cooking together.
I love being so busy with Family and Friends, work and life. It is amazing how much a person can do when you put your mind to having a good time.
Time again to make some magic in the kitchen! Tonights dish Spicy shimp noodle bowl. Gotta love those Pampered Chef Cook Books!
So what have you been up to? Any new weight loss challenges? Any new ideas for getting exercise in the winter months?
My husband and I started a new blog it is called MUNCHING WITH THE MADSENS but with out all the spaces. We are using foods with lower calorie counts and different ways of prepairing food. It has been a lot of fun and we have been trying to put at least 4 recipes on it per week. I thing the most fun is the conversation that we have while making the foods and then loading them onto the blog, sharing hints and tricks we have learned along the way in our 0ver 15 years of cooking together.
I love being so busy with Family and Friends, work and life. It is amazing how much a person can do when you put your mind to having a good time.
Time again to make some magic in the kitchen! Tonights dish Spicy shimp noodle bowl. Gotta love those Pampered Chef Cook Books!
So what have you been up to? Any new weight loss challenges? Any new ideas for getting exercise in the winter months?
Monday, January 17, 2011
Where I am today.
When I started this blog it was because it was a requirement as part of a weight loss competiton. But now I like it just because it is somewhere I can come and just let go of all the things that are consuming space in my mind. I get a chance to just sit and check in with me!
Today I feel wonderful. I have had a pretty busy week. Picked up an extra shift at work last night and it was so much fun! I know worka nd fun in the same sentence! Well it was a lot of fun.
My youngest daughter fell the other day and may or may not have broken her foot we have to wait to see what the x-rays say. So she is hobbeling around in a walking boot, it is kind of fun to see her. She is such a trooper not a lot seems to effect her. She always has a smile on her face and is happy.
Today we went shopping, we get a little cabin fever if we dont get out of the hose at least once a day! We took both the girls they had gift certificates to use at Old Navy and Target. Out missle daughter pipes up after the first store and says " you know there is a Chick-fil-a before we get to the next stop! So as parents who know how to read between the lines....we stopped and grabed a bite of lunch.
Going to make dinner with my husband , night for now!
Today I feel wonderful. I have had a pretty busy week. Picked up an extra shift at work last night and it was so much fun! I know worka nd fun in the same sentence! Well it was a lot of fun.
My youngest daughter fell the other day and may or may not have broken her foot we have to wait to see what the x-rays say. So she is hobbeling around in a walking boot, it is kind of fun to see her. She is such a trooper not a lot seems to effect her. She always has a smile on her face and is happy.
Today we went shopping, we get a little cabin fever if we dont get out of the hose at least once a day! We took both the girls they had gift certificates to use at Old Navy and Target. Out missle daughter pipes up after the first store and says " you know there is a Chick-fil-a before we get to the next stop! So as parents who know how to read between the lines....we stopped and grabed a bite of lunch.
Going to make dinner with my husband , night for now!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Wow have I been consumed by life that much?
I just realised that it has been 3 yes I said it 3 months since my last post. So what in my life has been all that consuming? It is said to start from the present and work backwords and that will help you remember, let me give it a try!
I gave myself a facial today, washed and set my hair so that it would look pretty today (I had to work) I have been substitute teaching for a preschool that I used to work at out in Draper I did that yesterday. I had to make dinner, you see I say had because I really did, my husband cooks, (I think I said something about that in an earlier blog). And well he is out of town this week, so if I dont cook we will all starve! I was going to have a chick flick movie night but then I got to tired!
I have been working a part time seasonal job, looking for a full time higher paying job/career....being lazy now that it is cold and snowy here I really dont want to be outside much, but I do take adventure days. For example last week we went to dinner with my dear friend Marinda and her family, we had Indian (like from India) food, it was nice she and I shared an entree. Then after that we went to frozen yougart, I remembered how much I loved that stuff, I ate cheesecake and pumpkin flavors with a small amount of oreos mixed in.
I love to make a menu and then go do the grocery shopping we did that on Saturday this week.
I also on Saturdays volunteer for Bountiful Baskets as a site co-ordinator, it is a lot of fun and we get so many good vegetables. That takes a WHOOPING 2-3 hours! HUMM...
Nothing so far that consumes my time so much that I cant come on here and tell you all about my life, at least once a week!
Oh yeah I did deep clean the bathroom, but still that does not take 3 months.
I gave myself a facial today, washed and set my hair so that it would look pretty today (I had to work) I have been substitute teaching for a preschool that I used to work at out in Draper I did that yesterday. I had to make dinner, you see I say had because I really did, my husband cooks, (I think I said something about that in an earlier blog). And well he is out of town this week, so if I dont cook we will all starve! I was going to have a chick flick movie night but then I got to tired!
I have been working a part time seasonal job, looking for a full time higher paying job/career....being lazy now that it is cold and snowy here I really dont want to be outside much, but I do take adventure days. For example last week we went to dinner with my dear friend Marinda and her family, we had Indian (like from India) food, it was nice she and I shared an entree. Then after that we went to frozen yougart, I remembered how much I loved that stuff, I ate cheesecake and pumpkin flavors with a small amount of oreos mixed in.
I love to make a menu and then go do the grocery shopping we did that on Saturday this week.
I also on Saturdays volunteer for Bountiful Baskets as a site co-ordinator, it is a lot of fun and we get so many good vegetables. That takes a WHOOPING 2-3 hours! HUMM...
Nothing so far that consumes my time so much that I cant come on here and tell you all about my life, at least once a week!
Oh yeah I did deep clean the bathroom, but still that does not take 3 months.
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